The Sad Reality Behind Perinatal Grief

When a baby dies after the 22nd week of pregnancy or even within a week of birth, this is called perinatal death. Getting through perinatal grief will be an intense process.

Perinatal grief is what one experiences when a baby dies before or a few days after birth. It is an intense pain that surprises the woman, her partner and the family.

The pregnant woman has prepared for the baby, has been involved in the process and wants the day to come when she can finally be a mother. But for various reasons, the baby passes away, leaving everyone’s hearts broken.

The woman, her partner and her family must then go through perinatal grief. Like losing someone you love, it leaves a deep emotional imprint, along with the pain of not getting to know your baby.

When pregnancy becomes a sad statistic

Finding out that you are finally pregnant is happiness in itself. Immediately you feel a flood of feelings, desires and expectations. However , you need to get through the first trimester to be sure that your pregnancy does not carry any major risks.

Spontaneous abortions usually occur before the 12th or 13th week of pregnancy. Although they cause intense emotional distress in women, they are not technically considered perinatal grief.

This pain is called perinatal because the baby passes away during the perinatal period. This is the one that lasts from the 22nd week of pregnancy to one week after birth.

Perinatal grief occurs in silence

In addition to the intense pain of losing the child you have been waiting for, social and work environments do not usually recognize the perinatal grief that parents go through. Therefore, the process of acceptance and healing is sometimes slower and more complex.

There are several factors that can intensify the feelings of women who have experienced perinatal death:

Spontaneous abortions or previous perinatal deaths that have not been treated.
The time it took to finally get pregnant.
The age of women, which gradually adds extra pressure on her to get pregnant.
Feelings of attachment that you have, especially if the baby was born.
Lack of social support. Medical insurance and hospitals do not always offer services to support this.

Absence of father who did not commit to the pregnancy.
Inability to share experiences and memories with family in social settings, to name the baby or to say goodbye.

Phases of perinatal grief

Perinatal grief can last for days, weeks, months or even years. It will all depend on the woman’s temperament and the circumstances surrounding the child’s death.

Like any grief, this type consists of several stages.

Denial

At this stage, it is hard to believe that it all happened. The woman’s mind was not ready to receive such shocking news.

This state of shock and disbelief are the thoughts that try to deal with the overwhelming reality little by little.

Anger

This happens when mothers feel upset and / or guilty of what happened. They feel angry with themselves, their partner, and even the doctors who were in contact with the baby.

If the woman is religious, she will be upset with God because she does not understand why this could happen to her. It is also common to envy couples who have pregnancies without complications and who are allowed to be with their children.

Negotiation

This stage begins when the guilt becomes confusion. It is common to think or say things like ” If I had done this or that” among the parents who suffered this loss.

They ask themselves again and again what would have or could have happened if instead of doing something they had done something else to avoid the child’s death. They also imagine how nice it would be to have the baby.

Depression

The negotiation phase gives way to depression. In the face of the irreversible reality that perinatal grief brings, moods or symptoms arise. For example, women experience sadness, reluctance, sleep disturbances or loss of appetite.

There is also anxiety about getting pregnant again. Many women are afraid that the same thing will happen during the next pregnancy.

Acceptance

This is the last stage in the process of perinatal grief. It is when you accept that you must continue to live, even though you have gone through a loss.

Little by little, the woman will return to her daily routine. However, it may take some time before you are ready to try to get pregnant again.

Tips for overcoming perinatal grief

If you have just experienced the loss of your child, know that you have the right to go through perinatal grief. It is necessary so that you can cry, accept and heal the wound left by the fact that the pregnancy did not have a happy ending.

To live on and overcome the different phases of grief, here are some recommendations:

Your doctor must give you a detailed explanation of the medical problems that caused your loss. In addition, they must tell you what consequences will affect future pregnancies.

Do not stop yourself from talking about and saying the name of your baby in front of your partner, relatives, friends or colleagues. To get through the pain, you do not have to forget the child you lost.
In addition, you must mourn freely. Avoid setting deadlines for when you will finally feel “restored”.
You also need to do everything necessary to feel a little better every day.
Do not forget to take care of your physical and emotional health. If you need professional help, do not hesitate to look for it.
In turn, no one should pressure you as to where you want to give away or dispose of the clothes and accessories you had provided for your baby.
Laughter is healthy. Do not be afraid or think that you will disgrace your baby’s memory if you are able to smile or feel happy.

Finally, if you need a ritual to honor or remember your baby, do so.

Reflection

Perinatal grief must be independent of the causes that caused you to lose your infant. The woman, the partner and the family have the right to experience and overcome their pain. Little by little, everyone will recover. It’s about being patient and waiting.